We swingers have all been there.

You're at a party with your partner. Across the room, another couple is staring at you as if they want to eat you alive. You don't find them particularly attractive, but to be civil, you smile and nod. Unfortunately, that's all the encouragement they need, and they descend on you like starving hyenas. Again you try to be polite; you make small talk and maybe even let them buy you a fresh drink. Beside you, your partner is starting to fidget uncomfortably. The woman is making doll eyes at him and twirling her cocktail straw suggestively while they talk about politics.

Meanwhile, you are uneasily moving away from her husband's hand, trying to make it clear that you're not interested through body language. If he doesn't take the hint, you'll have to say something to stop it.

But what? You don't want to be rude. You're not out to embarrass anyone. But if Mr. "Oh you have such a beautiful back" doesn't stop touching you soon, just might deck him. Now what?

Being a woman in the swinger lifestyle, it's often left to me to give the yes or no in this type of situation. My husband is far too polite and gentlemanly to tell any woman to get lost. I don't really mind. I like having the control. And 99% of the time, it's easily handled. When you do have to refuse someone, it's usually handled graciously by all involved. But then there are those that can't take a hint, like the scenario above. It's never pleasant having to spell it out for people, but here are a few tips on how to make it as painless as possible for everyone involved.



Move away.

Body language is always the first clue. Just as we might lean into someone we are attracted to, we find ourselves inching away from those we are not.

If someone unwanted is approaching you, stick close to your partner; it's harder for them to approach you when you're wrapped in someone's arms. This also works in the other direction- often I've had to save my partner from someone who was getting too frisky by sidling in until I was between them. It can be done, just try to keep it subtle.



Make a polite excuse.

If someone you're not interested in wants you to join them, at a table or another room or at a hotel later, tell them you have somewhere else you need to be. I have a friend who's a master at this: she can politely and with a look of great regret turn down any offer so that the person asking is left feeling completely at ease, ego intact.

Then gracefully slip away, partner in tow, with a smile. Keep it friendly and light, and this will almost always work. The bad thing about this tactic is that often people will corner you again later, forcing you to come up with yet another excuse. So use it sparingly. If they don't get the message the first time, you'll have to move on to the next level.



Just say no.

But do it tactfully. Don't just tell someone to get the hell away from you. Try to remember what you would feel like on the other side of this rejection, and do it kindly. Something like, "I'm sorry, but I just don't think we're a match." Yes, it sounds a little corny, and many are afraid that being that direct will insult the other party. But really, it's the kindest thing you can do at this point. You aren't shouting at the person or embarrassing them in front of others.

I'm usually the one that delivers this line. Again, my husband is more than content to take the backseat and let me mastermind everything. He'll only step in if the situation escalates. Most of the time when you get this far, people realize what's going on and will step away, leaving you free to pursue other, more fitting entertainment for the evening. Although the other party may feel a little disappointed, for the most part everyone involved walks away content with a smile. And you've managed to keep things friendly. It's only the very rude that will press you for a reason - in which case you are NOT obliged to answer! Asking for a reason why a swinger is not attracted to you is paramount to asking Mother Theresa if she ever had sex. You just DON'T DO IT. If they do, consider yourself no longer obliged to their comfort, and tell them if you wish.



Still after you?

Wow, you got yourself a bad one! I'd say the people that fall into this category are less than five percent of the swinger population. Anyone who won't take a direct no, when graciously given, doesn't belong in the swinger's scene. Don't trouble yourself any further with this cretin. Go to the management or the host of the party, and explain the situation. This is a big no-no for swingers. Whoever breaks this rule will probably be removed. And your party will be all the better for it.

So there you go. I've given you various levels that will remove you from any unwanted attention with a minimum of unpleasantness. Always use the lowest factor first, please. It will reflect well on you and ensure a good time for all involved. Rejection is a part of swinging, but it can be navigated with a minimum lost hubris, if you do it right. If you keep in mind how you might feel on the other side of the rejection, chances are you'll always handle things appropriately.