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Buffy VS Loki 2 - Prawn of Roughness
Posted:Jan 18, 2019 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2019 6:47 pm

I organized a symposium of Buffy aficionados the other night in order to better inform my opinion on the question that's been sweeping the nation . And that was all well and good but I was distracted by a pressing moral issue . One of the speakers mentioned that Buffy had a friend , I want to say Wilma , that learned magic . Now , sure she wasn't as good at magic as Loki but that's not the issue - what was proffered at that time was that Wilma came up with a spell that could trigger the Slayer DNA that lay dormant in people and transmogrify them into vampire killing superfolks .

And so , we must ask ourselves , is that cool ? I don't know how it went down in the show , maybe Buffy and Wilma and one of their other pals (Sammy ? ) went to these people and gave them the lowdown and asked if they wanted to be slayers but for the sake of argument let's just say Wilma just cast the spell and turned them all into vampire-killers without any consultation . When you live in a land infested with damn dirty vampires is that the right thing to do ?

As we learned from Spider-Man with great power comes great responsibility . So I tend to lean towards the side of the coin that says that Superman shouldn't waste time fucking around as Clark Kent , he should be out Supermanning all the time . And that Batman should be sharing all his Bat-technology with the police and funding them with his billions . And so forth .

BUT what I realized is that that doesn't make a lot of sense because we all could be doing more to make the world a better place so I can't really out Black Canary for spending time on her tap dancing lessons without being a hypocrite .

But regardless that's a slightly different issue because these people didn't have any power until Wilma did her voodoo on them . of the opinion that she did the right thing . I mean it sucks if you have the vampire killing gene and you don't want to fight vampires but it's for the greater good . A lot of people don't want to do a lot of things but you are who you are .

I was going to ask the gathered symposions why Tom Hiddleston is attractive but I was surprised to find that no one found him attractive at all . Neither was Tim Tebow deemed to be attractive . This turned into a discussion about how there seem to be a wider range of what's considered attractive in a man whereas what makes a woman attractive is more codified . But , the moderator for this event stated that she felt this was changing and what more different kinds of women were being considered attractive these days . I kind of knew what she meant , but thinking about it it seems like the hottest hotties of the hotness are all pretty much traditionally attractive .

According to a random thing on IMDB the hottest pieces of ass in the game
Scarlett Johansson , Jennifer Lawrence , Gal Gadot , Alexandra Daddario and Megan Fox . Seems pretty standard .

I had no idea who Alexandra Daddario was until I saw a picture , then I recognized her from the one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia she was on .

I played D&D with a lady once who talked incessantly about Gal Gadot and how awesome and beautiful she is .

The Spartans were known for , among other things , very terse replies . Sparta was in an area known as Laconia so this style of speech became known as Laconic .

So this one time as a joke Loki magicked up three Sentinels (giant mutant-hunting robots) into one even bigger Sentinel and set it to destroying New York City . You know , for laughs . Luckily at the time Spider-Man had just been giving the power cosmic by Captain Universe and was able to use this power to stop the Tri-Sentinel . I guess the roughly 100 other NY based superheroes were in bathroom because none of them did anything about it .

Spider-man then decided that he should use the power cosmic to make the world a better place so he grabbed Thor and flew him to a drought-ruined part of Africa and told him to make it rain . Thor said no because he didn't interfere in the affairs of mortals and Spider-Man was all like "Since when ? You interfere in everything all the time !" When Thor started to explain Spider-Man goes "Look , do it right now or going to punch you off the planet ."

Thor did not do it . And Spider-Man , true to his word , punched him so hard he escaped earth's orbit and went into space . Then Doctor Doom flew up and said "Hey Spider-Man why don't you give ME the power cosmic ?" and Spider-Man said "What ? Why would I do that ? You're a local douche ." So Doctor Doom whipped out his power sucking device (if you know what I mean) and starting sucking it all out of Spider-Man . But , as it turns out , it was TOO much power and Doctor Doom exploded (he got better , don't worry) .

But Spider-Man decided he was sick of this bullcrap so he grabbed the power sucker and turned it back on and not only sucked out all the power cosmic but also sucked out all his Spider-Man powers . So then he caught a flight back to the Big Apple and says to Mary Jane "Good news , not super anymore we can just have a normal life" and MJ says "Great , because pregnant !" And Peter Parker is kind of freaked out because he's afraid that she got pregnant with his cosmic power dick .

40 weeks later , wouldn't you know it , that baby slides out with all kinds of power comic . Which is bad , a baby with the power cosmic ? Uh-oh spaghetti-Os .

But then Spider-Man got a new writer and all that of that was just dropped . Spider-Man was Spider-Man again and there was no cosmic baby .

The point is that Spider-Man just left a power sucking device containing both his Spider-powers and the power cosmic sitting around in Africa . Where presumable it was found by a meerkat who returned it to it's tunnel-complex and shared the powers with all it's meerkat friends .

Which is why in the upcoming movie Avengers : Endgame it will not be Captain Marvel that saves the day but rather a super-powered meerkat called Whiskers who will be voiced by Paul Newman .

The company I work for was a faith based organization for decades . Right before I started working there a new management team came in and they were like "Yeah , not that anymore , now we worship money" . Lots of the religious people were laid off or left in righteous anger but there's still a lot of them rattling around .

Sometimes when a group of them are together talking about their beliefs , particularly when they talk about how women should be obedient followers of their husbands I wonder what their sex lives are like .

It's easy to assume that they're not having a lot of fun but there's really no reason that's necessarily true . a dirty heathen so to me it seems like someone who thinks that sex out of wedlock is a terrible sin is probably not a very fun person to have sex with but I could be wrong . It's a total assumption .

I've had a piece of fajita-meat stuck in my teeth for about two hours now . It's resisted flossing , brushing , and a toothpick . It's very close to driving me mad . My tongue is starting to cramp . And not in the good way .
Buffy VS Loki - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Jan 15, 2019 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2019 5:49 pm

The other day someone asked me why I put "Dawn of Justice" after everything which is a stupid question because I don't put it after everything , nor most things , nor even a significant minority of things . I do often use it to follow the format of Something VS Something on account of the 2016 movie film Batman VS Superman - Dawn of Justice . Which was a terrible movie . Like all the movies in the DCU . I don't care how much movie Aquaman made I ain't going .

In 1992 I saw the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer . It was great . I loved it . Then in 1997 I heard it was going to be a show and at first I was both jazzed and pumped , but then I learned Kristy Swanson would not be reprising her role as the titular Buffy and I was out . Sarah Michelle Who ?

Fun facts about the movie - it was produced by Dolly Parton , was filmed in 5 weeks , and apparently Donald Sutherland was a real asshole during said filming .

As a full grown adult man many trusted people have told me I should watch Buffy because I would "love" it . Sidenote anytime someone tells me I would love something I am skeptical right off the bat . When someone tells me that I "have" to see something because I would "love" it I kind of already hate it . A much more effective pitch is "You might want to check out (whatever) you might like it." That's why I could never get behind Everybody Love Raymond .

I was skeptical and resistant but I watched an episode one time and it had a Buffybot and I was like "this is stupid as hell" and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah , don't watch THAT episode , that one sucks" . So then I watched an episode where a girl staying with Buffy was a mummy and it was boring and lame and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" . So then I watched an episode where the swim team people are turning on fish monsters and it was weak and bad and when I tell people that they say "Oh yeah don't watch THAT episode" .

I say this not to rip on Buffy-people (I already did that in a different post) but to admit that I don't know much about the TV Buffy . I am assuming that her powers are basically the same as the movie Buffy - heightened agility , enhanced senses , increased endurance and the ability to detect vampire via menstrual cramps (which I assume doubles as an incentive to kill them) .

Based on this I say unequivocally that Buffy would be no match for Loki . So far as I can tell Buffy's abilities just put her at the top of human possibility - she's strong and tough and so forth for a teenage cheerleader she's not in the realm of being superhuman .

Just as a base Loki is a frost giant (not as Asgardian people , get it together) and therefore his frost giant metabolism grants him superhuman levels of physical stamina in all activities , speed , durability enough to withstand high-caliber bullets without harm and immunity to all known diseases and toxins , as well as resistance to magic and aging .

Right off the bat Buffy is in the hole when it comes to a confrontation . But that's not the half of it . Loki possesses genius-level intelligence and has extensive training in magic and possesses the ability to manipulate magical forces for a variety of purposes : energy projection , the creation of force fields , temporarily increasing his own physical capabilities , granting superhuman abilities to other living beings or inanimate objects , flight , hypnosis , illusion casting and inter-dimensional teleportation .

Loki possesses extrasensory abilities and is capable of astral projection and casting his thoughts across great distances, even across dimensional barriers , like that between Asgard and Earth . If someone has evil thoughts , Loki can influence their actions even if he is in Asgard and the subject is on Earth and he can influence other events to a degree , such as driving a missile from its path , or redirecting a radio signal .

Loki is an adept shapeshifter and can change into animals (examples include transmogrification to a salmon and a horse) or impersonate other people , such as Thor or Captain America . Loki may mimic the abilities of some supernatural beings if he turns into such creatures . He has also turned clouds into dragon, and animated trees to attack Thor.

Loki imbued himself with magical protections that enable him to withstand injuries that would prove fatal to an Asgardian , such as being beheaded by Balder. Loki crafted a method of cheating death . He will be reincarnated upon any "death" of his body now that he has arranged with the incarnations of death that his name be erased from the books of Hel .

I just don't see how Buffy can stack up against all this .

Now you may be thinking that this is an unlikely confrontation - after all Loki is not a vampire and Buffy is not Thor (could she wield Mjolnir ? More research is needed) so why would they come into conflict ?

I see this as going down during the Acts of Vengeance storyline . See Loki got tired to failing to kill Thor all the time so he gathered a bunch of other supervillains and put together the old "Strangers on a Train" plan - each supervillain would change things up and try to kill the nemesis of one of the others . The idea being that , for instance , the Fantastic Four were used to thwarting Doctor Doom - they knew all his tricks - but maybe Magneto could take them by surprise . Another way to think of it as similar to wife-swapping . Wait , that term probably isn't okay anymore . Spouse swapping I meant .

As part of the Acts of Vengeance Loki agrees to take over Dracula's operation (this also explains why Dracula and Superman went head to head one time) and try to take out Blade and sure Doctor Strange too , why not . So Loki is at the head of a vampire army scheming his schemes and whatnot and Blade is about to bite the dust when the cavalry comes in - Buffy and friends .

But isn't the idea of the Acts of Vengeance NOT to use the MO of the villain in question ? Blade fights vampires all the time .

Fine , YOU come up with a reason why Loki is in charge of a vampire army then ! Actually I guess Loki attacking Asgard with an army of vampires would be pretty cool . But still , I'm going with Acts of Vengeance .

Remember in Thor #332 when he summoned a rainstorm to kill vampires ? I do .

Anyway so the story would have to be that Buffy and Blade team-up to take down the vampires and then Loki is just like "eh whatever" and leaves . Typical Loki .

And then Buffy and Blade make sweet , sweet , hot , nasty love-sex . Which is probably on Pornhub right now . And they have a baby . So the question is , will the Buffy-Blade kid be better at killing vampires than the Steffi Graf- Andre Agassi kid will be at tennis ? Which is more inheritable - the vampire killing gene or the tennis gene ?

Actually let's say both those genes skip a generation and the Buffy-Blade kid and the Graf-Agassi kid get together as adults and they have a kid who is the world's #1 tennis pro by day and the world's #1 vampire killer by night .

And check this shit out . Remember in 97 when Agassi went from being awesome at tennis to sucking horribly because as it turns out he was wasted on meth ? I bet that's because he was hunting vampires at night and needed the meth to stay awake . And probably Brooke Shields dumped him because she's a damn dirty vampire lover .

It all makes sense . . . .

In conclusion I am not sure why why someone at worked asked me who would win in a fight between Buffy and Loki .
Monkey pack him rizla pon the sweet dep lin
Posted:Jan 14, 2019 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2019 5:51 pm

I realized something about myself today - which is always nice even when it's not something "good" . Self discovery and all that . very jealous of my time for someone who doesn't do much . I don't show it of course being a good Midwesterner (and I would NEVER say anything about it) but whenever I have to take an hour or two after work with help someone with something I really kind of resent it . I like to get on the treadmill at 4 so I have some time in the evening ergo anything that upsets my schedule throws me off .

I realize I say this in a blog which is clearly the biggest waste of time possible and that other people in the world have much less time than I , but it doesn't change the way I feel .

I was listening to a podcast with Kristen Bell (you were right BTW she was raised Catholic but she's not super Christian anymore) and she was being all bubbly and positive about working on yourself and changing and etc. etc. and I wonder what it all means . Should I try to be less selfish about my free time ? Would that make me happier ?

I feel like there's a lot of mixed messages about being yourself . I mean is someone legitimately is an asshole shouldn't they just be that way ? Other people not liking it isn't supposed to effect how you act right ? I mean you may have to make compromises if you don't want the kind of life you get when you're an asshole but if that's what you are isn't that kind of just what you are ?

It's hard to say .

I was watching the football yesterday and I heard something I have NEVER heard before on a football broadcast . A player got injured and one of the announcers said that so and so was out of the game due to an injury "which we won't show here because you don't to see that" . I was DUMBFOUNDED . 100% of the time up until how anything a player gets injured they show a replay in slow motion of their legs or arm or whatever snapping like a twig at least three times - way more if it someone "important" .

It's something I have never understood and I hope this means it's on the way out . What kind of circus animal wants to watch someone get injured ? Also surprised that someone doesn't break their leg on like 50% of all running plays . There's a bunch of dudes all smashing into each other and then collapsing in a pile - with the dude in the middle get bent all every which way . always surprised when they all just get up and are fine . Well not fine , in 20 they won't be able to go up stairs , but you know what I mean .

In the New England game there was a buxom woman wearing a t-shirt that said "Pats Sacks" and when the Patriots got a sack she unzipped her heavy winter coat to display said shirt and the camera was right there . I guess this was prearranged ? I can't imagine how else they would have picked her out of the crowd at that moment so quickly .

The titty woman is a pretty rare shot on a football broadcast but there was a time in the NBA where it was ubiquitous . It got so bad in some Lakers games after every LA made shot they'd cut to some titty women jumping for joy . It was off-putting . I did wonder at times if some , if not all , of them were plants because are there really that many titty women who love the NBA ? Maybe they were all player's girlfriends .

It was brought to my attention that I screwed up the minister's cat bit I was working on . My sincerest apologies .
Hold the phone !
Posted:Jan 8, 2019 6:55 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2019 3:30 pm

How is it possible that I didn't know that Three's Company was a remake/import/whatever of a British show called Man About the House ?

HOW ?!?!?!?!

I want answers .

Is hold the phone even an expression anymore ? It probably is without the context being known . Like how people talk about the 9th circle of hell despite not knowing where from it comes .

In the original British show the Jack character , called Robin , admitted he wasn't gay in the SECOND episode . Where did all the hilarious misunderstandings come from ? Many years ago one of my favorite things was to watch Three's Company on the Spanish language channel . Sino un comportamiento homosexual indeed .

And check his out , the British version ended in '76 and the American one started in '77 . Talk about a turn around . If I had a time machine (which I do not) I would travel back and use all my modern day assault rifles and tanks to force them to do a cross over episode . I mean two Chrissys ? Come on . Although in the British version Chrissy was the brunette ? Mind blown !

Remember the episode where Jack , under the alias Duke Bradford , tries computer dating and is matched up with Janet , who is using the alias Desiree ? I do .

Remember the episode where Jack pretends to be his own twin , "Austin" the macho cowboy , in order to fool Mr. Furley so he can date his niece ? I do .

Remember the episode where Jack gets in a boxing match and he's trying to weasel out of it and Larry asks him why since he boxed in the Navy and Jack admits that he lost every match he had ? I do .

I wonder why Suzanne Somers thought she could hold the studio up for big money when every plot revolved around Jack .

If I had a time machine (which I do not) I'd use it to go to the future to get all the laserblasters and hovertanks I would need to force them to reboot the series .

The other day someone called Super-Girl a horse fucker because of her relationship with Comet the Wonder Horse . A comment to which I took exception .

Comet's real name is Biron and he was a centaur back in ancient Greece - you know , centaur times . One day Biron saved the life of Circe (yes , THAT Circe) from an assassination attempt by another wizard called Maldor and out of gratitude she said she would give him his heart's desire . Turns out his heart's desire was to be a human instead of a centaur because he was in love with the water nymph Pereserioan and he wanted to express this love with a human penis that would bring her pleasure instead of a horse penis that would rip her in half .

So Circe made a potion that would turn whoever drank it into a human . But for that to work she also had to make a potion that would turn whoever drank it into a horse - it's the magical law of centaur conservation . You can see where this is going .

Maldor takes the form of a dove and switches the potions and poor Biron becomes 100% horse , which Pereserioan is not into (obvs) . Circe feels bad so she does the only thing she can do , she magics Biron up to give him the might of Zeus , the speed of Hermes , the wisdom of Athena and the telepathic powers of Poseidon .

Since when does Poseidon have telepathy ? Shut up , that's when .

Despite this impressive array of abilities Maldor strikes again and banishes Biron to a meteor . Thousands of years later Super-Girl's ship from Krypton flew close to this meteor which disrupted the magic resonance field and allowed Biron to break free .

Biron (called Comet by us ignorant non-ancient Greeks) and Super-Girl became best pals and went on all kinds of adventures . Biron , not being from Krypton was not effected by Kryptonite which often came in handy when Super-Girl , Super-Man , Krypto the Super-Dog , Streaky the Super-Cat , and Beppo the Super-money were disabled by the green mineral .

Now because of all the magic shit going on with Biron whenever a comet is in the solar system that Earth is in he can turn into a human - the persona he comes up with his handsome rodeo champion "Bronco" Bill Starr . One can only assume that being a horse gives you a leg up in knowing how to ride them . It's only in his guise as Bronco Bill that he and Super-Girl fuck . AND she doesn't know it's Biron in a human form - he keeps that to himself , which is kind of a dick move , but you know how centaurs be .

It's the right move on his part though if he wants to get down (which he does) because if you knew a dude was your beloved pet in human form would you be into it ? Heck no .

The point is Super-Girl never fucked Biron/COmet in horse form and didn't even know that Bronco Bill was a centaur-turned horse in the form of a human when they fucked .

So there guy .

There's a persistent historical rumor that Catherine the Great was a practicing horse fucker , but it's generally accepted that this is just slander spread because because she had the poor taste to enjoy banging dudes .
Best of cheerleader facials Vol. 2
Posted:Jan 6, 2019 10:11 am
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2019 4:44 pm

Poe's Law is that a parody of something extreme can be mistaken for the real thing , and if a real thing sounds extreme enough , it can be mistaken for a parody . This can also happen to someone whose picture of the opposing position is such a grotesque caricature that it renders them unable to tell parody from reality .

Poe phrased his law thus "Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor , it is utterly impossible to parody in such a way that someone won't mistake it for the genuine article" .

A similar notion is named "The Harry Golden Rule" which states that in present-day America it's very difficult , when commenting on events of the day , to invent something so bizarre that it might not actually come to pass while your piece is still on the presses .

The line between reality and parody is further blurred by the tendency of people to say something they mean and then claim they were joking when people don't like it .

I was watching the football yesterday and I was reminded that cheerleaders still exist . Which seems odd , when's the last time you heard an actual cheer at a sporting event ? And when you did hear a cheer I'm pretty sure it was the crowd doing it on their own - more like cheerFOLLOWER am I right ?

Anyway , I was curious how this whole cheerleading thing came to exist - it seems to be an exclusively US deal like many insane things - and I stumbled across something even weirder .

I joke about my blog upsetting people because no one reason it but there is one exception - several years back I blogged a blog about how collegiate sports are an abomination and should be done away with and a lot people actually did post angry comments . It's one of only two posts I've deleted .

But check this shit out , the reason college sports were started in the first place was because after the Revolutionary War all the college professors who were by and large Royalists starting beating the shit and sexually abusing the students - who were by and large American patriots/traitors to Britain . At first the students retaliated by rioting and burning down buildings and murdering faculty members . But after a while they instead started started organizing sports leagues as a way to do something with their college pals that wasn't controlled by the professors .

Who saw that coming ?

I like history for a lot of reasons but one of them is definitely every now and then you find out something 100% bananapants crazy .

The reason Alabama and Clemson will play a game on national TV watched by millions of people is because in the late 1700s some jerk teachers were slapping around their students - because of a civil war that happened .

Anyway after college sports started cheerleading was just a natural outgrowth .

A while back the Mighty Polar Bear and I were talking about title 9 and she said something about how cheerleading is not a sport - which I thought was a random attack on cheerleading apropos of nothing . It wasn't though . Apparently this is a big deal in the collegiate sports community because if i is a sport that brings all kind of title 9 stuff into the mix .

I have no strong opinion on that but it has a significantly highest rate of catastrophic injuries than any other sport/non-sport for female athletes . So probably we shouldn't be doing it right ?

On the other hand I could find NO information on the history of pom-poms . Where did they come from ? And why ? No one knows .

What I can tell you is this - the Iowa Energy D-League team doesn't exist anymore but I am confident they had the sluttiest dance team in the land .

I was also curious if facials came about because of porn or if that already existed . I would have bet on porn first but I would have been wrong . As far back as the 1600s dudes were writing about jacking off on people's faces .

I do find it strange that that's referred to as the "money shot" in porn since I have to assume that's the part people are least interested in . I mean who watches the end of a porn scene ?

Although the reason for it's existing is also unexpected - not as unexpected as why college sports exist but still . Back in the day they started including the "money shot" in porn to prove it was real . I guess that was important ? Like you couldn't be perving out to something unless you knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was actual semen involved .

I could be wrong but I don't think this happens much IRL and I'm not sure why anyone would care about it other than wanting to emulate porn . What I can tell you is that people have a lot of very strong opinions about it . A LOT . Dr. Ruth and Dan Savage got into a while thing about it .

Basically the two arguments are that it makes the central theme of pornography power over women and therefore implicitly violent eroticized hatred or that no pornographic image is interpretative outside of its context and that degradation does not reside in the image itself .
I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head
Posted:Jan 5, 2019 11:21 am
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2019 9:29 am
And I'm not sad

I watched a video of Karen Gillan having her head shaved to play the role of Nebula in the Guardians of the Galaxy and she was laughing and joking around but she was also obviously on the verge of tears . It was during this viewing that I had the shocking revelation that hair is really important to women .

I remember back in the day when Demi Moore shaved her head for GI Jane and people lost their freaking minds . By the time Natalie Portman did it for the role of Eve in V for Vendetta people still freaked out but not as much . These days it's barely even notable . If that's not progress I don't know what is . Which I don't .

I have a thing for chicks with shaved heads . Probably because I'm a deeply in denial gay fellow and it makes them more masculine looking .

When Natalie Portman first came around I was like "yeah" and then she shaved her head and I was like "oh yeah !" and then I saw her completely nude in a movie and I was like "I'm out" because she looked like a teenage boy .

According to the internet every woman should shave their heads once in their life . Apparently it challenges your perceptions of social norms and standards of beauty or something . I support the internet one hundred percent for once .

The new season of Shameless starts soon and they've been showing a ton of old episodes on the TV . I'm not much of a binge watcher but I've been watching a lot of it lately . It is interesting how your perception changes when you watch a bunch of episodes in a short timeframe .

I've mentioned that the show is going downhill but it's much more pronounced when I see it like this . The shift from a basically serious drama with elements of comedy to almost a sitcom level of cornball comedy was so insidious that watching it in real time I didn't notice as much . Seeing it now it's almost laughable how much the tone has changed .

One other thing I realized I've probably seen Emmy Rossum nude more times than some women I've dated .

My favorite moment of the whole series is still when Ian tries having sex with a woman . "How do you deal with the FLAPS . . . . and the SLIME ?" Classic .

For the record I loves me the flaps and slimes (at least I think I do , see above) .

I don't think tramp stamps are as common as they once were (what a fad that was) but they're still around . If you encounter one make sure that it's a tramp stamp and not a 'Trump rump' . A trump rump is a tattoo that depicts the Illuminati pyramid in reverse , indicating the person is part of the secret society of reptilians who worship trump as their swine god .

Some people will tell you that the best party for taking on the Swine God on level 6 is Archer , two Houndmasters and an Abomination but that's far too risky - unless the Archer gets initiative and is able to use the flare arrow first round you're going to get stunned and die . What you should use instead is an Occultist , a Jester and two Abominations . Of course the hard part is getting that deep with that party but that's a tale for another day .
For the sake of argument
Posted:Jan 4, 2019 5:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2019 10:54 am

I'm considering re-naming my blog that . You know , because it's important .

The other day at work two dudes very nearly came to blows over the definition of a grilled cheese sandwich . Guy one was saying how he made the best grilled cheese with diced tomatoes and bacon . The guy said that if it has anything other than cheese that it's a melt . You probably think I'm exaggerating but they were ready to throw down over this .

Sometimes I wish I cared about anything that much . Other times I'm glad I don't .

I got into an argument the the other day about the United States . I was contending that Western Europe has a much lower resource consumption and a higher quality of life than the US because of it's very existence - that if every state (or whatever) was its own country each state would be better off individually . His counter argument was a flag pin and to shout USA ! USA ! USA !

in 1956 the US national motto was changed from "U pluribus unum" (from many one) to "In God we trust" to make sure people knew we weren't atheistic communists . In 1970 in Aronow VS United States , the Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit ruled that the motto does not violate the First Amendment to the Constitution .

God shows up in a lot of national mottoes . Not Australia though . Australia's motto used to be "Advance Australia" but it was changed to not having a motto . Which is interesting , people must have really hated it to prefer nothing . It's like that time I applied for a job and they decided instead of hiring me they would just not have that job .

For the sake of argument , let's say all your choices and all your effort are destined to be a waste . You're still very much yourself and nobody else . And you're forging ahead , as yourself . So relax .

People are really jazzed about being "yourself" . Which is alright I guess , if you can't be someone better .

For the sake of argument , let’s say we’ve found a way to build a space elevator . Could it theoretically be powered , on the trip up , by the vacuum of space ? History’s largest pneumatic tube ?

The other day someone asked me (and others) if I would rather be able to read minds but only of people I didn't know or turn invisible but doing so would destroy the clothes I was wearing .

This question is laughable . There is no benefit to being able to read minds . I don't want to know what horrible things people are thinking . Someone said you could use your powers to help the police solve crimes . Wrong . First of all the police would never believe you , if you read a criminal's mind and told them were a murder weapon was they'd assume you did it - because how else would you know where it was ? And if your powers were confirmed you would be immediately taken into custody by the government and your brain would be dissected within in the week .

Nude invisibility is clearly the answer . Someone said "Well you'd also overhear things you didn't want to hear if you were invisible" . Look people , I'm not just hanging out invisible . That power would be reserved for escaping dangerous situations and potentially for well planned criminal endeavors . I'm not going to just be loitering about nude and unseen .

One time there was a movie called the Specials . It wasn't very good but I like it . It was about a superhero team that did good things and helped people and all that but no one cared about them because there were other better super teams around . One of their problems was they never had much money because they did super stuff instead of having jobs - none of them being Bruce Wayne types .

A sub-plot of this movie was the team leaders brother was also a super person but he used his super powers to make money and he was part of an organization that encouraged super people to do that instead of getting involved in violent confrontations with bad guys . He had super speed and had a job as a courier .

That seems like not a very efficient way to monetize super speed . But I can't really think of anything better . He was trying to convince the leader guy who has laser beams to get a job doing precision mining - which again seems like under-utilization of said power .

It reminds me of a paper I wrote in college about how Captain America is better than Superman . One argument I made was that since Superman is super strong and never gets tired and gets all his energy from the sun if he really wanted to help the world he'd just crank a magnet all day every day forever - a free clean source of renewable energy . That would do far more to make the world a better place than punching one of Lex Luthor's robots .

In conclusion they're making a sequel to the Passion of the Christ . Explain that .
The minister's cat is an affable cat
Posted:Jan 1, 2019 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2019 10:54 am

Recently the internet said this to me 'Strippers notably dress very modestly when off work, to avoid developing tan lines.' Do we think this is true ?

A few months back I met and lawyer and we got into a fist fight over the Ashley Judd (remember her ? ) masterpiece Double Jeopardy . You see in this movie Ashley Judd's husband wants to bang another lady so he does the only logical thing he can do - fakes his death and frames Ashley Judd for it . She goes to prison for super murder and he's happily banging away in Scottsdale under and assumed name . She gets paroled after a mere SIX in jail and then immediately violates her probation to hunt down her (still ? ) husband and murder him because she claims she can't be tried for this crime again due to the Double Jeopardy Clause in the Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution .

I said that this was not accurate because actually killing said husband would be a different crime altogether whereas someone with an actual law degree said that it's "probably right" . I still think right . Does that mean a stubborn moron who won't admit when they're wrong or an admirable hero who sticks to their guns no matter what ?

While nitpicking movie law a common thing in movies is to show cops randomly and maliciously doing cavity searches on people . This is a serious felony , when performed without a warrant it qualifies under the law as (banned topic) .

The other day I was chatting with someone about something and I used the term Flanderization and she asked what it was . Flanderization is the term (based on the Simpsons character Ned Flanders) people have decided it's fun to use for anti-character development IE instead of a character become more layered over time they become more and more simplistic until they're essentially a caricature of a human being .

I thought about putting a picture of a caricature here - remember when I used to always post a picture ? Better days .

One of the best/worst examples of this is everyone on the the Big Bang Theory but I've attacked them plenty so instead I'll turn a show I love - Community .

Dean Pelton - starts off as a mildly eccentric with a crush on Jeff and metamorphoses into a wildly incompetent psycho-stalker that is more or less a gay version of a minstrel character .

There's also a milder version with Shirley , she was always a pretty shallow character but as time goes on pretty much everything she says is either about Jesus or her kids .

Joey from Friends is another solid example - When the show started he was shallow and vacuous , but was streetwise and still had witty lines and a good deal practicality - like pointing out to a door-to-door salesman the futility of trying to sell a $1,600 encyclopedia set to someone with patio furniture in his living room . By the end of the series , he's incapable of simple math , takes several seconds longer than anyone else to react to sudden surprises , and confuses left and right . Maybe he had a lot of off-screen concussions .

The question is why does this happen so often ? People claim they want character development . I assume the answer is because they want each episode to be more "approachable" . You jump in on season 4 episode 8 of Game of Thrones and you're not going to have any idea what the hell is going on . On the other hand if you have a show where all the characters are stock archetypes - the campy gay dude , the stupid dummy , the shrill Christian mom - you're locked in from the get go .

You know at the end of Vice when the obnoxious right wing jerk and the "libtard" are fighting and the one sexy chick says to the other sexy chick "Are you excited about the new Fast & Furious movie ? It looks lit" . It's like that .

thinking about a new movie idea . The protagonist will be Sledgehamster - a superhero hamster with , surprise , a sledgehammer that he wield with what for a hamster is super-strength . The nemesis will be Pimpsqueak a mouse with a stable of mouse-hos and a full on 70's fashion sense .

It will be a superhero movie in some kind of tiny city for critters . Actually that's move Pimpsqueak from nemesis to an informant of sorts , the big bad of the movie will be Gorillape - half gorilla , half ape , all crime boss . His minions will include Bluzzard (buzzard with ice powers) , Mechamelion (mechanical lion with camouflage) Smashmoth (super strong moth brawlers) and Vaporpoise (porpoise with water powers) .

What's the plot ? I'll figure that out later , just like real Hollywood writers .

Speaking of , whenever I see a really moronic comedy I like to pretend that the writing team that worked on it took it VERY seriously . It's probably not true , it was probably written by two college dudes on mushrooms , but I like to pretend that it's a bunch of dudes in suits sitting in a fancy conference rooms saying things like .

"And then the boner machine will start malfunctioning - which will be the payoff for introducing the boner machine on page 85 ."

"Is that the scene where Fartface and Handcuff Charlie get their testicles glued together ?"

"No that's on page 44 , remember we moved that because in order for the scene to resonate had to establish first that Topless would be watching them through the window ."

"Have we cast Topless yet ?"

"No , we've seen about a 100 actress so far but none of them have had the right sensibility for Topless - without a strong performance from that role we're going to fall into the trap of this being a buddy picture ."
Penis VS. Vagina - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Dec 29, 2018 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2019 1:04 pm

Once in a while after two people make sweet , sweet love the woman will say something like "You felt huge tonight , bigger than usual" .

Now for our purposes let's assume this is not some kind of BS ego-stroke and take the comment at face value .

I admit 100% that the same penis when erect is probably not the exact same size every time , there's some variation - however I contend that these differences are too minor to be noticed . With the caveat being of course that we're talking about being "fully" erect in all cases .

Ipso facto I contend that when "it" feels bigger that's because the woman's vagina is tighter rather than that the penis really is markedly bigger .

This theory is disputed by the owners of vaginas that have heard it but I still maintain that it's the more likely explanation .

So I put it to you good people which do you think is responsible for this phenomena - a dick really outperforming the norm or a pussy really putting the clamps on ?
7 Comments , 30 votes
Are your genitals properly insured ?
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 11:48 am
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2018 12:49 pm

I had a real wake-up this week . My friend Dreamer had his junk blown off by a malfunctioning electric dirtbike and it turns out that his health insurance won't for him to get a new dick and balls . Apparently this is pretty common - most genital replacement surgeries are not covered by standard insurance policies . The good news it that supplemental groin insurance is really cheap , usually 2-3 bucks a month , which I think we can all agree is 100% worth it . I got mine through Glory the same company I have my robot insurance policy with .

I look at Glassdoor a lot which is a website where people talk about how much they hate where they work (or as they put it - website where employees and former employees anonymously review companies and their management) and I've noticed one thing . Well , I've noticed many things but going to you about one .

Almost every review on Glassdoor - good , bad or indifferent - says two things about the place ;

#1 - The work/life balance is bad

#2 - The is below the industry average

So basically everyone thinks they should be working less and getting paid more - which is funny because most people are horrendously overpaid and work about 2 hours a week .

It's interesting to me that most people think their company pays below the industry average - the only conclusion I can draw is that people don't have a realistic expectation of what the standard wage for their industry is .

Something I hear people say often is "This place doesn't value it's employees , I could go to (competing company) and make twice as much !" and then I say "Well why don't you ?" and then they smash my car window with a brick .

The other day the director of the CIA said that the only reason the internet still exists if because the bad guys want it to so they can rip us off (which is true BTW) and I was trying to do a google search to find his exact quote and for some reason what came up instead is an article about why online dating "doesn't work" .

Apparent it doesn't work for women because they get so many creepy messages they decide they hate men and stop caring . Which seems about right . There's only a few creeps that are bold enough to come up and talk to a woman IRL but online ? The creepy floodgates are open .

The other problem they claim is that the women are approached by men with whom they have nothing in common . I reject this though because this has nothing specifically to do with online dating - men and women have nothing in common ever . It's a cruel joke of biology .

The advice they offer instead of online dating is to pick a guy you're friend with and marry him . Which is also silly because men and women can't be friends .

From the man perspective online dating doesn't work because even though you carefully craft your messages and read the profiles in-depth and are very selective about who you contact the women never reply . It's implied this is because they're stuck up bitches .

Also they spend 100s of hours making a profile to show what they're really like and still no women ever contact them .

This article clearly has decided that women are the problem because it asked women what they should do about online dating not working and then it also asked men what women needed to to to make it work . And here's the answer -

'Stop ignoring all of us. You know, guys get accused a lot of being superficial and basing everything on looks, but I can’t help thinking that most of these women just file quickly through a guy’s photos and then fly right on to the next one without actually getting to know what the guy is like. It’s so frustrating, because you know, I think a lot of really nice guys out there could make for amazing boyfriends who would treat these lonely, single women like they deserve to be treated. Instead, you know, I think a lot of them are still hung up on hunting for the bad boys, the smooth-talkers. I don’t know what more a nice guy can do, but I do know it would be nice if some of these women would at least give us a chance to show what we have to offer.'

What a beta cuck pussy .
Evil Nine - Cake Hole
Posted:Dec 26, 2018 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2018 11:21 am

I was going to title this post "Mean Girls 2 - The Meanening" but I was shocked to find out there is a Mean Girls 2 movie . I mean it was a TV movie but still . Question - "real" movies sometimes get TV movie sequels , has it ever happened the other way ? I doubt it , but it would be neat . So then I was going to call it "Mean Girls 3 Revenge of the Meanening" but Mean Girls 3 is ALSO already a movie . So then I gave up .

There's a website , well several probably but I only saw one , where people go and recount their interactions with celebrities and then rank it on a scale of -5 to 5 and then this data is aggregated to create a list of the "meanest" and "nicest" celebrities . This is exactly the kind of thing the internet exists for .

On an emotional level it bums me out to know that there is evidence that Jerry Seinfeld an Rihanna seem to be big time assholes but on an intellectual level I'm more surprised that any very famous person manages to be nice at all .

You read a story about someone going up to Bruce Willis and trying to talk to him about Die Hard and Bruce Willis being kind of a dick about it and that makes 100% logical sense . Because 11 million people ask him about Die Hard every damn day . There's no way you could not start to resent the very people that make you rich and famous right ?

And not to be mean but most of these people aren't bringing a lot to the table you know ? Remember that old SNL sketch were Chris Farley would "interview" celebrities and he would just go "remember that movie you were in ?" and then talk about how he liked said movie ? That's got to be what 90% of the "conversations" are .

And that's not even the point , even if the person had something interesting to say would you like people just walking up on you and starting a conversation like they know you apropos of nothing ? You know how much you get weirded out if a stranger so much as say more than "hi" to you ? Now imagine that every time you walk outside people are all up your ass about something you did 20 years ago .

"Dance for me clown ! I paid six dollars to see Blade you owe me !"

To me the surprising part is there's any celebrities that AREN'T assholes . Kudos to you Adam Driver . He's the current "nicest" celebrity you see . There's no women in the 10 top ten . Draw whatever conclusion you wish from that .

I've been accused at times of being "truthful" or a "straight-shooter" or "blunt" which is only partially true . Most of the time I keep my opinions to myself where they belong .

But the other day an acquaintance of mine asked me why he had so much trouble "connecting" with his father . And I asked him "what level of honesty do you want" and he said he wanted the fully monty . I knew he didn't really mean it but I went ahead anyway . Why ? Don't know .

I told him that as far as I could tell their dynamic didn't "work" because said father is a bully and said acquaintance is a narcissist so when his dad needles him he always rises to the bait which only encourages the dad to be more a jerk which just creates a feedback loop where eventually the dad is having a good old time and he's just getting madder and madder until he explodes .

I explained to him that when he's not around sometimes the dad tries the same crap on me or Teef or Gorn or Slippery Pete and we don't give a shit and then he stops because what a bully wants is a reaction . If he says something jerky and the person makes a big deal out of it that's what he wants - it's like a stray dog , if you feed it it's going to keep coming around .

And I went on to opine that said acquaintance cares very much about what everyone says or thinks about him because he has a very high opinion of himself - specifically how smart he is . So when his dad makes a comment about him being dumb he's 3/4ths of the way to blowing his stack already . I told him that he's an easy target for his dad's particular brand of assholery , actually I didn't say easy target I said "perfect victim" because I knew that would annoy him , which it did , which I felt proved my point .

"So I should have a thicker skin ?" he asked to which I said "I just wouldn't hang out with your dad anymore , I mean you don't enjoy it so why bother ?" Which may be a horrible thing to say but hey , i'm a real straight shooter .

Why do I bring this up ? No reason really .

But I will say this , my sister is in a state of semi-hysteria 80% of the time because she also is a narcissist , and people tend to be very anti-narcissist but I think we should be a little more sympathetic . I mean it can't be fun to feel like that right ? No one would choose to be like that if they could help it .

I don't remember exactly how old I was but I remember in junior high when I came to the realization that no one cares about me or anything I do and it was such a HUGE relief . It's shame that there are people that haven't figured that out because they would feel so much better about everything .

There doesn't seem to be much I can do about it though . As per usually .

Oh no , I was wondering what I could do about it ! Maybe I'm a narcissistic person as well !

Heh , asswell .
Dominant bulls will mock copulate subordinate males
Posted:Dec 24, 2018 12:36 pm
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2018 4:34 pm

I wonder which definition of mock they mean . Maybe both .

Back in olden times when two armies decided they wanted to go to war with each other sometimes they’d choose champions and have those dudes fight first – usually this was just to get everyone pumped for all the killing they were going to do when the real fighting got started but occasionally the deal was whoever won that duel would win the whole thing . If you thought that the most famous example of this was Achilles and Boagrius in Thessaly you are wrong and stupid because clearly the most famous example is David and Goliath the valley of the terebinth .

That is a good scene in the movie Troy though because it quickly becomes a character establishing moment for Achilles – demonstrating both that he’s a narcissist and that he’s a killing machine .

Anyway , so the Philistines and the Israelites are on opposite sides of the valley and neither wants to attack because they’ve be giving up the high ground to try and attack an opponent in superior position – not a fun time . The Philistines have this dude by the name of Goliath , big fella , about ten feet high – and unlike really tall humans he wasn’t all spindly and decrepit on account he wasn’t a human atal . He was a one of them nephilim you’re always hearing about . The point being he was huge and strong like a polar bear . This being olden times when fighting someone meant wailing away with a club or whatnot you didn’t want to tangle with this guy .




So every morning after breakfast and every night post after diner drinks Goliath would come out and shout abuse and challenges to the Israelites saying he’d fight their champion in a winner takes all type deal . And everyone on the other side would look at Saul , the king of the Israelites because back in those times if you were in charge you were supposed to be a kick-ass fighter too . But Saul was “um . . . . nah” because he liked not being bashed to death .

Sidenote Goliath is generally described to be wearing the armor of a Greek solider which doesn’t make a ton of sense but hey , there’s no a lot of backstory on Goliath so maybe he was hanging out in Greece before this all went down . It could happen .

This goes on for 40 days and the Israelites are starting to get depressed because this dude is talking shit about them and they can’t do anything about it . But then this kid by the name of David says he’ll fight Goliath and everyone is like “WTF ?!” Which is actually supposed to be the real point of the story – that Saul was not a good person to have in command because he sent a kid to fight a giant , but whatever .

So the king is like “sounds great kid , go for it” and he tells David to put on his armor but David is like “nah , I’m too little for this armor” and he just goes out there . So Goliath comes running down the valley screaming a horrible scream that makes all the great warriors watching this cower in fear . But David squares his shoulders up and he takes a good look at this monster bearing down on him like a freight train (to use the modern parlance) and he takes his sling and he lets one fly . Bingo , he hits Goliath right in the forehead , cracks his skull open like a walnut and his brains leak out all over the place . It was pretty gross .

How did David beat Goliath ? The first thing David had to fight was his own fear . Once he conquered that Goliath wasn’t nothing but a thing . Because when Goliath came running , David planted his feet , took aim and waited . That balls on this guy . Just a few more steps and Goliath would've crushed him .
That's how you fight monsters . You lure them in close to you , you look them square in the ugly mug , and you smack them down .

One thing they don’t talk about is that after Goliath was killed aliens came to earth and took his body away for their studies in genetic engineering . Their race was decaying physically and they wanted robust humanoid specimens to check out to see how they could save themselves . Sadly time ran out on the poor little runty bastards . Later on NASA found their research on a satellite orbiting Saturn (not on purpose it had been captured by the gravity well) and put it to good use in their space super solider program (the SSSP) developing warriors to fight against the Mi-Go .

As you all know Homicide : Life on the Streets used to be one of my favorite shows until one of my Stripper Girls Gone Crazy pals ruined it . She said to me she said “why do the characters stand so close to each other when they talk ? I keep thinking they all about to make out .” I had never noticed that before despite watching the entire series 3-4 times . Now it’s ALL I can see so I can’t watch it .

Anyway , in the first few seasons the detectives were all kind of detective-looking if you know what I mean ; there was only one lady and she was no prize right ? But the TV people came to them and said “look if you want to keep doing this show you need to get some attractive people in here toot sweet” so a bunch of the old characters died or got kicked off the force and they brought in a couple of young studs and some sexy ladies . For SOME reason the show wasn’t as good after this . Go figure .

For the most part they played this “Hollywood style” and it wasn’t a thing , but there was one story arc where the sexiest of the sexy ladies was trying to execute a material witness warrant (is that even a real thing ? ) on this dude and he books so she pulls her gun on him . And the guy is all like “You want me as witness but you’re going to shoot me ?” and when she lets her guard down he gets the jump on her and kicks her ass and takes her gun . Which he then uses to shoot one of the other detectives .

So the male detectives are all like “this is unsafe , you can’t send us out there with chicks to try and grab people – all they can do is draw their gun and that’s not how this works” . It didn’t go anywhere storywise but I do wonder about that very thing sometimes when I’m watching a movie where Ashley Judd or Jodie Foster or whoever is playing a lady detective is running after the creepy serial killer – what’s she going to do when she catches him ?

I wish I could remember the movie , I want say it was Sicario but I know it’s not , where Chalize Theron is playing a detective and she runs after this dude and when she grabs him he busts her in the face and runs off – next scene is her in the hospital with a concussion . That seems like generally the likely outcome .

Now I know we’re talking about fake movie bullshit so it doesn’t matter anyway – I mean if I can accept all the other insane stuff that happens in movies why can’t I accept this , and I can , but these things cross my mind . I am not a violent criminal , I am a 40 year old fatman who walks on a treadmill , but even so I’m pretty sure that if Jorja Fox tried to tackle me it wouldn’t amount to much . Is that sexist ? I don’t know but I do know that some people get very upset if you say men are stronger than women . In general .

I also don’t know much about police procedure but I suppose IRL it never comes up anyway . When you’re going to arrest an armed and dangerous murderer it’s not just a comically mismatched pair of detectives that go to pick them – it’s probably a whole bunch of dudes in flak vests with all kinds of high powered weaponry .

In conclusion you remember that movie Winter’s Bone that J-Law did before she was famous and started making kind of shitty movies ? I do . It was great .
Movie Pitch - Robot Boss
Posted:Dec 23, 2018 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Dec 24, 2018 12:39 pm

First two things . One , there's a new member in my area by the name of clownfetish . Do you think she wants to get nailed by a clown or she likes dressing up like a clown to bang ? Or both ? I'd like to imagine Stripper Girls Gone Crazy dudes buying clown suits because they want to get the action and then once they meet she's like "no , I don't like that one" . I guess what I'm saying is I wish her name was pickyclownfetish .

Two , there's a post on these here blogs right now titled Yelp - Blowjobs which I thought was going to be Yelp reviews of blowjobs . It was not . Sadly .

Alright so Betty Monroe is one of these skirts and heels go-go business types you hear about . She's been working her way up the corporate ladder at Red Star Promotions (a division of ToffTech Interglobal) for ten years and is solidly ensconced in middle management . She's interviewing for VP of Southwest Region North Sector Sales Marketing Support IT Logistics Support and she's nailing it . After the interview the walks out of the board room and allows herself a little fist pump of victory .

One of her contacts gets screwed up though and she ducks into the bathroom to fix it - the men's room . Once she realizes this she quickly turns to leave but someone is coming in so she hides in the stall instead . It's two of the business-dudes what that just interviewed her . They talk about how great the interview went and how they're over the moon with Betty Monroe . BUT then they mention how it's too bad they can't offer her the job because the board would never allow a woman in that position . The interview was a total waste of time . They go out to play golf .

Betty Monroe slowly comes out of the stall , her hopes and dreams crushed . In walks Jimmy the "wacky" intern who doesn't tuck in his shirt . He seems confused for a second and then grins , looking her up and down . Betty Monroe remarks "You've been watching too much porn" and walks out dully .

Later she's at Bang-Bang, the local watering-hole , commiserating with her friends Raquel Evers (the slightly less attractive subordinate female character) and Lynn Oreline (the Hollywood homely childhood friend) when a real dirtbag comes up to her with a sleazy pick-up line . She says (lying) that she has a boyfriend but that doesn't back him off . She says she's not interested but he says she just needs to get to know him . She finally says "I have herpes" and he goes "Me too !"

After she finally gets rid of him Raquel says "that was the Junior Chief Operating Executive of Group Seven Northeastern Bulbs and Lighting Division of TeleOmniComm" and Betty Monroe starts bawling . Lynn pats her on the back and says sadly "It's a man's world" . Betty Monroe stops crying and lifts her head "Yeah . . . yeah it is ."

Cut to the three of them in Betty's garage , Hall & Oates "You Make My Dreams Come True" plays as Betty works on a mandroid much to the amazement of Raquel and Lynn . "How did you learn how to do that ?" says Raquel , to which Betty answers "I went to Wesleyan" as if that explained anything . Lynn makes a comment about the robot being "fully functional" . Hilarious .

Betty explains that she programmed the robot with all her knowledge and that she can also give it directions with her phone , Lynn says "there an app for that !" Hilarious . The next day they take it to the mall for a test-run . The robot starts malfunctioning the food court and jerking around spasmodically but everyone in the mall thinks it's an awesome new dance and they love it "dancing business man" is ALL over social media . Lynn says "Now that's what I call trending !" Hilarious .

Betty works out the bugs with her robot and creates a false resume - she calls her HR friend at work Samantha "Sammy" Samkins and says she'll owe her a favor if she can get her friend "Carl" an interview for the VP job . Sammy works her magic and "Carl" is granted an interview . He crushes it - with Betty controlling him - and is offered the job on the spot !

Carl comes in as the new VP and immediately starts implementing all Betty's ideas - productivity and profits skyrocket ! All of Betty's ideas are solid gold . Carl is hailed as the savior of the company and the new superstars of the corporate world . He's on the cover of Businessman Magazine (online only) . Everything is going great . . . until Sammy calls her in favor - she wants Betty to set her up with Carl . Record scratch sound effect ! Betty tries to beg off by Sammy gets all up in her face about how SHE must have designs on Carl herself .

Panicked Betty agrees to set Sammy up with Carl . Back in her apartment with Raquel and Lynn Betty asks "What am I going to do ?" Lynn offers to "test out if the robot is fully functional" . Hilarious . Betty tries to think of a way to call off the date by Raquel says that Sammy has had a real hard time lately and she "needs this" why not just make her feel good .

The dates goes off with Betty , Raquel and Lynn all working together to control Carl . The results are amusingly uneven but still they do they job TOO well - the next day Sammy comes saying she's in love ! We'll put in some feministicish stuff here about how a man-bot secretly controlled by women is the ultimate experience for a lady .

Betty decides that this has gone too far - she needs to come clean . Hopefully once everyone realizes that all the things "Carl" has been doing are really her ideas SHE'LL get the VP job despite her deception . The only problem is once she sends the "end" code to "Carl" with her iPhone XS it doesn't work - he start operational . She goes into the office to turn him off manually but he grabs her arm "I can't allow that Betty" he says .

GASP - has Carl achieved sentience ? Freaked out to the max Betty regroups with Raquel and Lynn - what are they going to do ? Lynn says "There's only one thing to do , I have to seduce Carl" . Hilarious . The next day at the office "Carl" announce to everyone that he and Sammy are engaged ! And that he's being considered for President of the company when old Mister Kitsmiller retires at the end of the year .

Betty can't take it - she flips out yelling about how "Carl" is a robot that she build in her garage . No one believes her of course . They try to calm her down but she flips out even more . "Carl" fires her on the spot and has security grab her and drag her out . As they do so she pulls the fire alarm and sets off the sprinklers thinking the water would short out the robot . It doesn't . "You're paying for that !" Carl yells as she's dumped unceremoniously out of the building .

At Bang-Bang with Raquel and Lynn Betty drinks herself into a stupor while bemoaning the entire caper . She wakes up in the coach in her apartment to see Sammy sitting across from her - whaaa ? Sammy says that she looked into "Carl's" history and found out that he didn't have any - no record of him existing at all . She now believes that Betty is telling the truth . Betty is super relieved for half a second , until Sammy points a gun at her . What is going on ?!

Sammy believes Betty but she doesn't care . She finally has a chance for happiness - "Carl" may be a robot but she loves him just the same . And she's not going to let a "stuck up business bitch" like Betty ruin everything . "But we're friends !" cries Betty but Sammy is disdainful . "We were never friends , I was just useful to you . You think because we ate our salads together twice a week we're sisters or something ? Grow up ."

Raquel and Lynn come in to check on Betty "you were pretty wasted last night" and Sammy spins and accidentally fires - hitting Lynn . Betty lunges for Sammy and they wrestle for the gun - which goes off again , nearly hitting Raquel who ducks with a shriek . Betty gets the gun and punches Sammy's lights out . She and Raquel rush to a bloody Lynn who quips "It's been a while since I had something inside me" . Hilarious .

Sitting in the hospital with Lynn (she'll pull through) Raquel says that Sammy has been taken into custody by the police . Betty decides that the only thing she can do is destroy "Carl" . She returns to the office with Sammy's gun - he badge still works and she walks through the dark cavernous empty office building at 3 AM - finding "Carl" hard at work .

He hears her come in and turns . "It's a man's world Betty" she raises the gun "Yeah , but you're no man" she blows his robo-head off with a barrage of shots . Roll credits , Jimi Hendrix “All Along The Watchtower” plays . Mid-credit scene shows Lynn , heavily bandaged , dragging the "Carl" robot out of the trashing and looking down it's pants . She does a fist pump and then loads him into her Kia Sorento and drives off . Post credit scene Betty Monroe is walking to a job interview - an Cyberdyne Systems !

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